Monday, April 28, 2008
"I feel terrible..."
...and I haven't even been through the rigors of a Darth Vader interrogation. But, yes, I'm sick. And it bites. Though I have to say, it was worse about 10 hours ago, so I must be recovering. Right in time for my next test in 12 hours. Ah, gotta love vet school...
Friday, April 11, 2008
The Last Night You'll Spend Alone
"This is the last night you'll spend alone, Look Me in the eyes so I know you know, I'm everywhere you want Me to be."
Sometimes, I think it's hardest when you're a Christian and you doubt (a lot) and don't see the bright side of life. No one knows I have this blog. If they knew, I don't know what they'd do. Actually, my non-Christian friends would point to it as proof of my futile faith in a non-existent God and probably tell me that, See, God's useless anyway. My Christian friends would smile warmly and tell me that I just need to hold on and it'll be OK, that everyone goes through times like this and that God'll get me through it.
Thanks, guys. Very helpful, both of you.
Don't you realize that when you say things like "everyone goes through hard times", or "your faith is groundless", you're not really making it better, you're making it worse? One POV makes light of the pain and crushing desperation you're going through, and the other is condescending, akin to calling someone - your friend, presumably - an idiot. In their face. And not in a joking way.
Truth is, no one knows what to do. And maybe I don't want them to know what can be done so much as just for them to understand that I'm going through a rough time. Not to smile and nod knowingly, or look at me like 'you're a Christian, isn't "God" supposed to be helping you?', but understand that I'M STILL HUMAN. I hurt, I cry and I have long stretches of days at a time that I just can't deal with it anymore. I know I'm no fun to be around when that happens, but I don't know what to do. I mean, if I can't be myself, "prickles and thorns", around my friends, who can I unload on.
God. Right. Why hadn't I thought of that. (Yeah. Dripping with sarcasm.)
Hence my dilemma. Theoretically, telling God is supposed to make me feel better, leaning on Him, trusting in His omnipotence/omniscience, believing in His good Will. Faith in His sovereignty and hope that better days are coming. But what happens when that's not enough right now? Am I a bad Christian, faithless, lying to myself? Putting a guilt trip on myself doesn't bring me out of the funk any faster, yet that's exactly what happens along this line of reasoning. 'If I believe that God's got it all under control, why don't I feel better about it? Why don't I feel reassured? It must be because I'm a failure as a Christian.'
I wear rings that say 'FAITH' and 'HOPE' to remind myself of what faith can do (e.g. move mountains - Matthew 17:20), and that I always have hope for the future (Jeremiah 29:11). I know it's true even when I don't feel like God cares.
"I cried out with no reply and I can't feel You by my side. So I'll hold tight to what I know. You're here and I'm never alone."
I'm supposed to know, in my heart, mind and soul, that God is real and there and He's taking care of me. But right now, I can't. Sometimes, it's so hard - not because of circumstances, per se, more because of the games your mind plays with you.
Often, it's much easier to be,
--Jaded
Sometimes, I think it's hardest when you're a Christian and you doubt (a lot) and don't see the bright side of life. No one knows I have this blog. If they knew, I don't know what they'd do. Actually, my non-Christian friends would point to it as proof of my futile faith in a non-existent God and probably tell me that, See, God's useless anyway. My Christian friends would smile warmly and tell me that I just need to hold on and it'll be OK, that everyone goes through times like this and that God'll get me through it.
Thanks, guys. Very helpful, both of you.
Don't you realize that when you say things like "everyone goes through hard times", or "your faith is groundless", you're not really making it better, you're making it worse? One POV makes light of the pain and crushing desperation you're going through, and the other is condescending, akin to calling someone - your friend, presumably - an idiot. In their face. And not in a joking way.
Truth is, no one knows what to do. And maybe I don't want them to know what can be done so much as just for them to understand that I'm going through a rough time. Not to smile and nod knowingly, or look at me like 'you're a Christian, isn't "God" supposed to be helping you?', but understand that I'M STILL HUMAN. I hurt, I cry and I have long stretches of days at a time that I just can't deal with it anymore. I know I'm no fun to be around when that happens, but I don't know what to do. I mean, if I can't be myself, "prickles and thorns", around my friends, who can I unload on.
God. Right. Why hadn't I thought of that. (Yeah. Dripping with sarcasm.)
Hence my dilemma. Theoretically, telling God is supposed to make me feel better, leaning on Him, trusting in His omnipotence/omniscience, believing in His good Will. Faith in His sovereignty and hope that better days are coming. But what happens when that's not enough right now? Am I a bad Christian, faithless, lying to myself? Putting a guilt trip on myself doesn't bring me out of the funk any faster, yet that's exactly what happens along this line of reasoning. 'If I believe that God's got it all under control, why don't I feel better about it? Why don't I feel reassured? It must be because I'm a failure as a Christian.'
I wear rings that say 'FAITH' and 'HOPE' to remind myself of what faith can do (e.g. move mountains - Matthew 17:20), and that I always have hope for the future (Jeremiah 29:11). I know it's true even when I don't feel like God cares.
"I cried out with no reply and I can't feel You by my side. So I'll hold tight to what I know. You're here and I'm never alone."
I'm supposed to know, in my heart, mind and soul, that God is real and there and He's taking care of me. But right now, I can't. Sometimes, it's so hard - not because of circumstances, per se, more because of the games your mind plays with you.
Often, it's much easier to be,
--Jaded
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Interstitial *what*?!?
Once again I posit the question: why do I bother to study when the result is the same whether I studied or not? Tests suck. I hate them. Really. I don't think they really assess anything you know, and even though the kind of test today probably goes a long way towards ascertaining your grasp of the subject more than tests usually do, the time we had to study for this one, along with the 2 last week and the one two days ago (and the two the week before last week) meant that learning and grasping was not part of the gameplan. Now, I know there's nothing anyone can do about it (they always say that, anyway), but that doesn't mean tests don't suck.
Some days, I just want to shoot myself. Yes, boys and girls, vet school will do that to you.
Broken and,
--Jaded
Some days, I just want to shoot myself. Yes, boys and girls, vet school will do that to you.
Broken and,
--Jaded
Monday, April 7, 2008
Stalling.
Wow. Lots of things going through my brain today. Unfortunately, none of them relevant to the virology test we have tomorrow...
First - why can't I search for myself on this thing?? I've never thought of myself as overly computer illiterate, but, well, I'm not as smart as I think I am, either, so why'm I surprised? I guess I could just type in the URL every time...
Second, I just read someone's blog (again, stalling...) about how vets are "dirty" and price-gouge their clients - which made me really mad because, as everyone here will tell you, we're all accruing something to the effect of about $160,000 of debt in our 4 years here (not including undergraduate loans) only to go into a profession where we treat multiple species with different physiologies and specific diseases, get bitten, kicked, scratched, charged, urinated and defecated upon, our patients can't tell us what's wrong and everyone thinks we're dumber than "real" doctors... all for the average starting salary of somewhere around $50,000/year. Yes. We're the evil ones here. When will people understand that owning pets is not a right - it's a privilege. And though I agree that we are sorely lacking perspective on it sometimes, and don't necessarily agree with spending tons of money on certain procedures, some things are not optional for the sake of saving a few bucks. And if he hasn't been through what we go through, doesn't know how hard it is to be a good vet and run a successful business that provides for your family, he shouldn't be talking. Especially considering his site was dedicated to something even more esoteric than getting you pets checked-up once a year. Oh, and the whole thing about how we (as pet owners) should buy drugs online? Well, those drugs are being sold by online companies who've bought stuff through underhanded channels. So, buying from these distributors, while cheaper, is not the "ethical" way to go (I mention this because he also made the point that vets are "unethical").
Ugh. Sorry. Just really upset me - especially the part about how we didn't need to immunize our pets every year. No - we'll just give our kids fleas, roundworms, hookworms, tapeworms... possibly rabies (because, FYI, everyone who contracts rabies DIES... except for one lady. Ever. Oh, and it's only one of the largest killers of people worldwide.) But don't take my word on it - check out these sites ("www.cdc.gov/rabies" and "www.worldrabiesday.org"), do your own research. In short, THINK for yourselves and don't take anything you read from one source as Gospel. PubMed (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/entrez) is another good source of info on diseases transmitted between humans and animals (well, it's a great source of scientific papers, actually, but if you search for 'zoonoses', I'm sure you'll get a brainful). Also, "http://www.cdc.gov/nasd/docs/d000701-d000800/d000752/d000752.html". And I'm not even talking about the things that dogs are susceptible to that humans can't get, but will still hurt the animal.
Anyway. Hopefully, I don't get angry comments from the guy who wrote the other blog... I didn't disagree with everything he wrote. And I'm sure he didn't mean to insult the lowly vet student toiling through 4 years of stuff so his dogs and family and other people around him will be healthier. And that's the other thing people don't realize - vets aren't just animal health people - we're human health people, too. We're responsible for making sure all those things that dogs can transmit to humans don't get transmitted. And since many human medical schools no longer teach parasitology or infectious disease, vets are the first line of defense in this arena. Sure, we can ignore it and not vaccinate our dogs, but trust me, I've been overseas and seen what that looks like, and it's not pretty (for people or the dogs)*. And this doesn't even include what vets do with food animals, and the herd health and food chain implications of that work.
I know I'm biased, and I don't pretend to be otherwise. I'm part of "the family" and I'm going to see things from this side. But why does it have to be "clients" vs. "vets"? Ultimately, don't we all want the same thing? I know I want people to be healthier and safer because their animals are vaccinated, healthy and well looked-after. What about you?
Tired, frustrated, still stalling, but a little less...
--Jaded
*Disclaimer: I do not advocate the stance that people who cannot afford to feed their children, or whose annual income is barely sustainable, put their pets before their human family (see point above about owning pets being a privilege - a luxury, if you will). In that situation, not vaccinating your dog - while regrettable, as it is probably most necessary - is also clearly understandable. In developing countries, I'd love to advocate free or low-cost vaccinations (especially for something like rabies). Spaying and neutering, too. Any drug companies willing to support my campaign?? lol. Ah, in a perfect world...
First - why can't I search for myself on this thing?? I've never thought of myself as overly computer illiterate, but, well, I'm not as smart as I think I am, either, so why'm I surprised? I guess I could just type in the URL every time...
Second, I just read someone's blog (again, stalling...) about how vets are "dirty" and price-gouge their clients - which made me really mad because, as everyone here will tell you, we're all accruing something to the effect of about $160,000 of debt in our 4 years here (not including undergraduate loans) only to go into a profession where we treat multiple species with different physiologies and specific diseases, get bitten, kicked, scratched, charged, urinated and defecated upon, our patients can't tell us what's wrong and everyone thinks we're dumber than "real" doctors... all for the average starting salary of somewhere around $50,000/year. Yes. We're the evil ones here. When will people understand that owning pets is not a right - it's a privilege. And though I agree that we are sorely lacking perspective on it sometimes, and don't necessarily agree with spending tons of money on certain procedures, some things are not optional for the sake of saving a few bucks. And if he hasn't been through what we go through, doesn't know how hard it is to be a good vet and run a successful business that provides for your family, he shouldn't be talking. Especially considering his site was dedicated to something even more esoteric than getting you pets checked-up once a year. Oh, and the whole thing about how we (as pet owners) should buy drugs online? Well, those drugs are being sold by online companies who've bought stuff through underhanded channels. So, buying from these distributors, while cheaper, is not the "ethical" way to go (I mention this because he also made the point that vets are "unethical").
Ugh. Sorry. Just really upset me - especially the part about how we didn't need to immunize our pets every year. No - we'll just give our kids fleas, roundworms, hookworms, tapeworms... possibly rabies (because, FYI, everyone who contracts rabies DIES... except for one lady. Ever. Oh, and it's only one of the largest killers of people worldwide.) But don't take my word on it - check out these sites ("www.cdc.gov/rabies" and "www.worldrabiesday.org"), do your own research. In short, THINK for yourselves and don't take anything you read from one source as Gospel. PubMed (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/sites/entrez) is another good source of info on diseases transmitted between humans and animals (well, it's a great source of scientific papers, actually, but if you search for 'zoonoses', I'm sure you'll get a brainful). Also, "http://www.cdc.gov/nasd/docs/d000701-d000800/d000752/d000752.html". And I'm not even talking about the things that dogs are susceptible to that humans can't get, but will still hurt the animal.
Anyway. Hopefully, I don't get angry comments from the guy who wrote the other blog... I didn't disagree with everything he wrote. And I'm sure he didn't mean to insult the lowly vet student toiling through 4 years of stuff so his dogs and family and other people around him will be healthier. And that's the other thing people don't realize - vets aren't just animal health people - we're human health people, too. We're responsible for making sure all those things that dogs can transmit to humans don't get transmitted. And since many human medical schools no longer teach parasitology or infectious disease, vets are the first line of defense in this arena. Sure, we can ignore it and not vaccinate our dogs, but trust me, I've been overseas and seen what that looks like, and it's not pretty (for people or the dogs)*. And this doesn't even include what vets do with food animals, and the herd health and food chain implications of that work.
I know I'm biased, and I don't pretend to be otherwise. I'm part of "the family" and I'm going to see things from this side. But why does it have to be "clients" vs. "vets"? Ultimately, don't we all want the same thing? I know I want people to be healthier and safer because their animals are vaccinated, healthy and well looked-after. What about you?
Tired, frustrated, still stalling, but a little less...
--Jaded
*Disclaimer: I do not advocate the stance that people who cannot afford to feed their children, or whose annual income is barely sustainable, put their pets before their human family (see point above about owning pets being a privilege - a luxury, if you will). In that situation, not vaccinating your dog - while regrettable, as it is probably most necessary - is also clearly understandable. In developing countries, I'd love to advocate free or low-cost vaccinations (especially for something like rabies). Spaying and neutering, too. Any drug companies willing to support my campaign?? lol. Ah, in a perfect world...
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Conversation w/ Imaginary Real Professor
I was thinking about this while I was walking:
I am never going to be taken seriously as a large animal vet in this country. Which is ironic, because we're suffering from a lack of food animal vets right now, and though I didn't grow up on a farm or in "the industry", I really want that to be a (big) part of my career. My thoughts for a long time, now (with their coalescence and my subsequent epiphany occuring today) is that people don't really want more large animal/food animal vets, they want a certain type of person as their food animal vet. Which again, is kind of unfortunate for me because I don't fit that 'profile'.
I am not male, I am not Caucasian. I've interacted with farmers who're both rude and very kind, but there's a difference between indulging the curious vet student and showing up on their farm as their vet. In short, they'd probably laugh me off the property. What made me think of this was the last SCAABP meeting I attended where I realized finally that no matter how qualified I am for a job, no matter how "smart" or motivated I am, the cowboys and cowgirls are always going to stick together. I don't hold it against them - they don't know me from Adam (or Eve...), and it's a whole lot easier to trust someone who you identify with than someone who doesn't look like you, talk like you or have the same background as you. But today I suddenly realized the ramifications on my future career.
I can't have one in this country. Sure, most people who get to know me know that I'm competent, eager and enthusiastic... but that takes time and effort, and if I've noticed anything about the way foreigners are treated in this country, it's that the "natives" stick together. Every international student I've encountered tells me the same thing - Americans are OK, but they're not friendly. They don't talk to you and sometimes, they don't even respond when you talk to them. They treat you like you're stupid and they're so wary of you, they avoid you at all costs. They don't even try: no one invites you out, interacts with you, makes you feel welcome.
Come on, people!! No wonder the rest of the world hates us! Our xenophobia, however inadvertent or unintentional, is going to be our undoing.
Most days, I feel like an outsider. What's ironic about that is that no matter where I am, I will always be an outsider. I'm not black or white, so I don't fit in here, but if I return to my birthplace, they're never going to accept me as anything but American (and be scandalized that I can't speak the language, laugh at my pronunciation and, again, never take me seriously). Screwed if you do and screwed if you don't, I guess...
Brains and ability, apparently, have nothing to do with it. But at least if I practice somewhere else, I won't have the stigma of being the "city girl" in a crowd of "country folk". I love the country folk, but I don't honestly think they'll ever love me. I'm not a part of their culture and lifestyle - I'm not on their radar of what a rural vet should look like or be. I used to think that was good - that they'd want to bring more people from outside into the fold, but I'm not so sure anymore. One of my professors tells me that "he'll make a bovine vet out of me, yet" - but what he doesn't realize either is that I can want that, be that, get the most out of these four years, absord everything I can, attend every extra learning activity I want in order to be an amazing bovine vet... but it's not going to matter, because ultimately, the people I will be serving won't ever think of me as such.
And perception, unfortunately, still makes the biggest first impression.
Rats. Today I'm really...
--Jaded
I am never going to be taken seriously as a large animal vet in this country. Which is ironic, because we're suffering from a lack of food animal vets right now, and though I didn't grow up on a farm or in "the industry", I really want that to be a (big) part of my career. My thoughts for a long time, now (with their coalescence and my subsequent epiphany occuring today) is that people don't really want more large animal/food animal vets, they want a certain type of person as their food animal vet. Which again, is kind of unfortunate for me because I don't fit that 'profile'.
I am not male, I am not Caucasian. I've interacted with farmers who're both rude and very kind, but there's a difference between indulging the curious vet student and showing up on their farm as their vet. In short, they'd probably laugh me off the property. What made me think of this was the last SCAABP meeting I attended where I realized finally that no matter how qualified I am for a job, no matter how "smart" or motivated I am, the cowboys and cowgirls are always going to stick together. I don't hold it against them - they don't know me from Adam (or Eve...), and it's a whole lot easier to trust someone who you identify with than someone who doesn't look like you, talk like you or have the same background as you. But today I suddenly realized the ramifications on my future career.
I can't have one in this country. Sure, most people who get to know me know that I'm competent, eager and enthusiastic... but that takes time and effort, and if I've noticed anything about the way foreigners are treated in this country, it's that the "natives" stick together. Every international student I've encountered tells me the same thing - Americans are OK, but they're not friendly. They don't talk to you and sometimes, they don't even respond when you talk to them. They treat you like you're stupid and they're so wary of you, they avoid you at all costs. They don't even try: no one invites you out, interacts with you, makes you feel welcome.
Come on, people!! No wonder the rest of the world hates us! Our xenophobia, however inadvertent or unintentional, is going to be our undoing.
Most days, I feel like an outsider. What's ironic about that is that no matter where I am, I will always be an outsider. I'm not black or white, so I don't fit in here, but if I return to my birthplace, they're never going to accept me as anything but American (and be scandalized that I can't speak the language, laugh at my pronunciation and, again, never take me seriously). Screwed if you do and screwed if you don't, I guess...
Brains and ability, apparently, have nothing to do with it. But at least if I practice somewhere else, I won't have the stigma of being the "city girl" in a crowd of "country folk". I love the country folk, but I don't honestly think they'll ever love me. I'm not a part of their culture and lifestyle - I'm not on their radar of what a rural vet should look like or be. I used to think that was good - that they'd want to bring more people from outside into the fold, but I'm not so sure anymore. One of my professors tells me that "he'll make a bovine vet out of me, yet" - but what he doesn't realize either is that I can want that, be that, get the most out of these four years, absord everything I can, attend every extra learning activity I want in order to be an amazing bovine vet... but it's not going to matter, because ultimately, the people I will be serving won't ever think of me as such.
And perception, unfortunately, still makes the biggest first impression.
Rats. Today I'm really...
--Jaded
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Love/Hate Relationship
Is it OK to say that vet school sucks?
I realize there are hundreds of people out there who would love to be where I am right now, but you ask anyone in my class (even the most positive ones) and they'll all tell you that life stinks. So here's the dilemma - we're in a position that we chose to be in, that - in many ways - is an honor and something we should be happy and thankful for, that we fought tooth and nail to get to... and it's kinda miserable. All of us are tired, burned-out and sick of studying. Yet, if you asked, I'm sure no one would say they wish they weren't here. Indeed, the ones who really don't want to be here have already left.
What gives, then? Is it just a series of hoops we have to jump through to get where we want to go? Yes, I realize what an amazing opportunity we're being offered, that we should make the most of it and suck it up, but seriously, I'm so frustrated with school right now, I'm not above complaining about it...
Trying not to be...
--Jaded
I realize there are hundreds of people out there who would love to be where I am right now, but you ask anyone in my class (even the most positive ones) and they'll all tell you that life stinks. So here's the dilemma - we're in a position that we chose to be in, that - in many ways - is an honor and something we should be happy and thankful for, that we fought tooth and nail to get to... and it's kinda miserable. All of us are tired, burned-out and sick of studying. Yet, if you asked, I'm sure no one would say they wish they weren't here. Indeed, the ones who really don't want to be here have already left.
What gives, then? Is it just a series of hoops we have to jump through to get where we want to go? Yes, I realize what an amazing opportunity we're being offered, that we should make the most of it and suck it up, but seriously, I'm so frustrated with school right now, I'm not above complaining about it...
Trying not to be...
--Jaded
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